Day 10: Looking Forward

It is every girls dream, or at least supposed to be. You are daddy’s little girl, and a princess with all the rights and privileges therein appertaining. Someday, “Mr. Right” shows up in a glowing white horse, sweeps you off your feet and makes you his queen forever, and ever, and ever. Get it? He (Mr. Right) becomes instantaneously blind to other women. They do not exist for him, for you are his one and only, his one true love... all right, all right! Who changed channel to Corny Central? But you must admit that as cheesy as it sounds, it is in the back of the minds of most womankind. This makes me ponder mysteries untold and unanswered riddles about the depth of our human understanding of romantic love (or something like that); expectations and “mixpectations” alike. Amidst these quandaries, I cannot help thinking that I am in a very “interesting” (for lack of a better word) position. The way in which my marriage ended could truly rock the self-esteem of any daughter of Eve. For seven years the man who promised to forsake ALL OTHERS, did nothing but chase all others. Alas, the hopelessly instantaneous reaction is to run for the mirror and scrutinize every inch and ounce of yourself, wondering if you lacked something he looked for elsewhere. This is no surprise, since women who are abused (physically and emotionally) tend to craft a way to blame themselves for the evil doings of their spouses. A friend, whom has been with me through this ordeal from day zero, said to me: “You know you have done nothing wrong, do you?” (referring to my husband’s infidelity). Our discourse did not move beyond that query until I came to a point of acceptance that what he (Mr. Wrong) did was not justifiable by any action of mine whatsoever.

Explanations have being on a perplexing shortage. Why, oh why? Why did he do this? Why did not him just walk away and let me find someone who would fulfill my dream of being loved and respected? When he met me, I was young and most “things” were still in their “proper position” and maintained “adequate consistency.” I was about to hit my stride in the professional world, and was geared to conquer it. To be blunt, I had options. I turned down other candidates for the job of my knight in shining armor, for him.... for him! Now, I am a single mom of three, and, must admit, some “things” have lost their youthful bravado, to say the least. However, on a happy note, my career is definitely something that, just like a good Sauvignon Blanc, has gotten ever better with time. I am goal driven and committed to the things I set my heart and mind on. Yet I find that now I have a rather unfulfilled goal on my life’s “agenda.” A new need has arisen in my heart. I need to feel appreciated again as a woman, both inside and out. It is natural for women to have a great desire for reassurance; I must say though, I have never felt it as strongly as I do now. I cannot help wondering either: What if I had married X or Y? Would I today be caught up in a swirl of marital bliss? Impossible to know that now, isn’t it?

So, I am redesigning my inner-sanctum to make the windows of my soul face forward. Cannot afford the lease on the past, the payments are too high. It is time to drop what lies behind and move full speed ahead. What is in it for me? Hopefully love, the chief of which is the love for myself, and my own appreciation for how God has made me and molds me with each passing day. I got an appointment with my future, got three wonderful little companions (the best I could have ever asked for), and I hope if “he” (the one) is out there, that, in its due time, his secret (or not so secret) identity will be revealed to me (please, feel free to make an entrance!). Meanwhile, I’ll just keep on looking forward...